Marriage Counseling from Teal

1. Love Unconditionally – Helping your spouse to know that they are Loved, Valued and Accepted. I am called to have unconditional love – to Love my spouse no matter what they do. No matter if they love me or not. It’s not a 50/50 thing, where I will love them if they love me and we can do it together. I am called to love my spouse UNCONDITIONALLY. Even if they do not love me. Even if they are mean or hateful or sinful, etc. It does not matter if they cannot say they love me. Or if they never apologize or if they do or do not want to be married to me. I need to love them and create the best environment for them to thrive in and love me back. This is ONLY possible through God. Or rather it is only possible by God living in me.
2. Forgive – This is between me and God primarily (He commands us to forgive one another in love)
I need to be able to forgive no matter what the other person has done or continues to do (outside of physical or mental abuse, etc) – with no apology or anything said about it. Forgiveness is a point and a process. We need to forgive and continue forgiving. A test of whether you have truly forgiven someone is:
1) Do I use it against them to them?,
2) Do I use it against them to others?
3) Do I dwell on it?
There may be consequences; there may be hurt.
This is ONLY possible through God. Or rather God is the only one who can do this and so we need Him living in us.
3. Apologize - At the same time I need to apologize without a hint of Accusation. I must always take responsibility for my own actions.
4. Put the others needs above my own. In all things, think of the others needs before my own. Again, in all things, help them to know they are Loved, Valued and Accepted by God and by me.
5. It ALWAYS matters what I do. It only matters what I do because that is all that is within my control. I need to (and God asks me to) forgive and love NO MATTER WHAT the other person does ALWAYS. I need to continue to create an environment that gives my spouse the best chance of loving and forgiving me. Do not get caught in the trap that the ball is now in the other’s court. I have done all I can do. Or it doesn’t matter what I do, because they can always find a way to discount it, if they want to. It doesn’t matter what they do with it. I can only be responsible for what I do and I am called to always love, forgive, apologize and put the other’s needs before my own.
6. Communication Order: Feel – Think – Act Meet the other person (anyone) where they are at and then SLOWLY track with them through all 3 stages in the order they want to go in. Are they using I Feel words, I Think words, or I want to Do words?
7. Primary Feelings:
Glad
Sad
Bad
Mad
Fearful
Use the exercise of 1) what did you feel, #2) How strong on a 1 to 10, #3) Looking objectively at the situation, how strong of an event was it on a 1 to 10.
8. Conflicts
Annoyance – Forbear
Offense/hurt – Forgive
Sin – Rebuke, Forgive
Problem - Solve
9. Conflict Resolution Models
1) Win – I win, you lose
2) Withdrawal – I give up
3) Yield – Not important enough to expend the energy to enter conflict about
4) Compromise – We both win some and lose some. We give up battles to win the war.
5) Resolve – Because of our love of the other, taking all things into consideration, this REALLY IS what we want to do. We love each other and although, if we were making this decision by ourselves and only thinking of ourselves, it may be different, as we make this decision in community and love, this truly is what we want to do.