Conflict Steps, Anger, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation

Matthew 18:15, "If your brother or sister sins against you, go and show them their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over."

This one statement of Jesus is the key to resolving conflict in any human relationship. The manual for conflict resolution is right here and it's found in seven simple steps, easy enough for a child to follow. Instead of show and tell, it's go and tell. Go and tell the person who hurt you and make it right.

Sounds simple, doesn't it. The problem is we so often don't do it. We tell everybody but the person who hurt us. In fact, this one verse may be the single most violated command that Jesus ever gave. Why? Because at each point we face a crossroads. At each step there are powerful reasons to ignore Jesus and go the other way. So let's walk through the steps one at a time.

Step one is acknowledge the conflict, if there is a conflict. Jesus says if your brother or sister sins against you , but we could probably replace it with when your brother or sister sins against you because to be alive means to be in conflict. It's part of the Dance of the Porcupines. It's part of being slightly irregular, "as is" human beings. People aren't normal, but conflict is.

The first step sounds simple enough, acknowledge the conflict. But here's the first crossroad. Most of us would rather pretend that there is no conflict, that the conflict doesn't exist. Sometimes we think that lack of conflict is a sign of spiritual maturity, when really it could be a sign of denial or even apathy in a relationship. So when we're confronted we might say things like, "What's the big deal? Can't you take a joke? I was only kidding." And when we do that we can totally invalidate the person who wants to talk about the hurt.

So the place to start is to honestly admit that there is unresolved conflict that needs to be dealt with. There's been a relational meltdown that needs to be addressed. If we're going to live life in healthy community, unaddressed and unresolved conflict is not an option.

Step two is to own the responsibility of dealing with it. The word Jesus uses is you not the other person. He calls on every one of us to own the job of conflict resolution, which often brings us to another crossroads.

We don't want to do it. Instead, we want the person who hurt us to make the first move. "It's not fair that I should have to take the first step, I didn't hurt them. They hurt me."

In Matthew 18 the issue is going to the person who has hurt us, but in Matthew 5 Jesus says we need to go to a person if we realize we have hurt them. Matthew 5:23-24, "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift."

You see, either way the first move is always ours. In fact, Jesus says it's more important to make a relationship right than it is to go to church. It's the most spiritual thing we can do. There is no hidden Bible verse that says wait for them to come to us. Jesus puts the burden on us in both cases. If we've done something wrong, take the first step. If the other person has done something wrong, we still take the first step.

Why? Because porcupines are stubborn, prickly little creatures. Because there's a surplus of stone throwers and a deficit of peacemakers in this world. And because people who value community are people who own the responsibility to deal with relational breakdown.

The third step is go. Don't avoid, but approach the person with whom you have an issue. This is a huge step in the process and right here the battle is often won or lost. At this crossroads we wrestle with thoughts like, "Just forget it, it's not that big of a deal." "I don't want to make them feel bad." "What they did really shouldn't of hurt me anyway." "Who am I to confront them?" "It could cost the relationship." "What if they come at me with all I've done to hurt them?" "What difference will it make anyway?" The evil one loves to use these thoughts and ideas to sabotage community.

But Jesus says, go. Don't wait. We can't wait until we've rehearsed our speech perfectly. We may stutter and stammer all over the place. It's not important that we do it flawlessly. It's just important that we do it. Avoiding issues of hurt kills community and causes resentment to fester inside of us.

Some of us grew up in homes where anger was never acknowledged. The only way we dealt with anger was to "stuff" it. That was the case in my home. And when you grow up in a family like that you can think, "I should never experience anger. Anger means I'm a terrible person. Anger is bad."

But that's a lie. God gave us with the capacity to get angry. God gets angry from time to time. Psalm 30:5 says, For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime.

Anger is like a smoke detector. It's good to have one on every floor of your house. When it beeps, it tells you that something's wrong. It's good to have smoke detectors. They can save your life. But it's not good to live with a smoke detector that's always beeping.

Anger is our God given smoke detector to warn us that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Anger is meant to motivate us to do something. And this is what we're to do. Go to the person who has made us angry.

Now it may be wise to cool down first. Proverbs 14:17 says, People with a hot temper do foolish things. Wiser people remain calm. (GNB) You may need to buy some time just to allow the rpm's to slow down. That's okay. You may even want to do a self-check and ask yourself, "Why am I so angry? And what is it that I want that I'm not getting?"

Anger experts tell us that anger is not a primary emotion. Remember when you were in elementary school and learned about the three primary colors: red, blue and yellow. All the other colors are made from a mixture of those three. Well in that same way, anger is not a primary emotion. It is a mixture of emotions, such as hurt, frustration, or fear. Those are often the feelings that are underneath the anger. We get angry after we first get hurt by someone or after we first get frustrated trying to accomplish a task or first feel afraid of someone or something.

But once we've cooled down and thought things through we need to "go." The apostle Paul wrote these words to a community that was facing conflict. Ephesians 4:26, In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. We need to address it as quickly as possible.

Step number four is to go to the person. The crossroads here to gossip and go to a third party and tell them the hurt and anger we feel, before we go to the person themselves. Why? Because it's easier and frankly more fun to go to someone else and tear the other person apart. But when we do that we can just make things worse.

That doesn't mean we should never talk about our anger. We all need a sounding board that can help us plan to resolve the conflict. But if we're going to a third person, it should be with the goal of then moving towards the person who hurt us for reconciliation.

Step five is use sensitivity, go in private. One on one. Just between the two of you, Jesus says. The crossroads here is the temptation to go and let them have it. Make 'em pay. Hurt them back. Embarrass them in front of an audience. But Jesus says, "No." Instead, approach them the same way you would want to be approached. Sensitivity is one of the most important parts of healthy anger management.

We don't go to blow off steam or get it off our chest or let it fly. According to Ortberg, research done on anger management over several decades has failed to find a single study that demonstrates that catharsis, or letting your anger fly, is an effective way to manage anger. Instead, it just creates more anger inside us and in the person that we rage all over. The simplest guideline here is the golden rule: approach others the way that you would want them to approach you.

Step number six is to communicate directly, discuss the problem. Jesus says, Show them their fault. The temptation here is to beat around the bush and not be totally honest. Some of us around here talk about saying the last 10%. Often, after going through all the hard work of setting up a difficult conversation, we get afraid and we shrink back from saying the hardest but most important truth. We fail to say the very thing that caused us to meet in the first place, the last 10%. We get vague and fuzzy just when we need to be crystal clear.

Saying the last 10% sounds like this. "You weren't really listening to me which made me feel like I don't matter to you. That causes me to pull away in our relationship and I don't want that. I want us to connect more closely. That's why I was hurt." It's not easy to say that. But that's what Jesus means by showing them their fault.

And finally, step number seven is the goal of conflict resolution and that is reconciliation. If they listen to you, you have won them over. The goal is not to even the score or to make the other person pay or feel bad, it's to be reconciled to each other. Restoring the relationship is the goal of conflict resolution. Getting back into community is the aim. If it's not, all of the hard work is for nothing.

So those are the seven simple steps of conflict resolution according to Jesus. That's what keeps a community healthy. But sometimes even conflict resolution doesn't work. Sometimes we need a miracle. And God created one. It's called forgiveness. And we'll look at that next time.

There's a story told of Leonardo da Vinci, the brilliant artist, who was working on his famous painting "The Last Supper" when he got angry with a certain man. In fact, at one point he was so angry that he lost his temper and lashed out at the person with some very bitter words. Later on when he returned to the canvas to continue painting he tried to work on the face of Jesus. But he was so upset that he just couldn't pull it together to do that. So finally he put down his brush and went out to find the man he had blasted and asked his forgiveness. He reconciled the relationship. The man forgave him and da Vinci was able to go back to his studio and finish painting the face of Jesus.

The Last Supper is a painting of the Lord's Table, the table that we're about to enjoy together. Does it bring to mind a relationship that needs to be reconciled? If it does, then you need to make it right quickly. It's hard to spend time with Jesus and stay angry very long. He's always nudging us towards reconciliation.


there are two ways to live with hurt: the way of vengeance and the way of forgiveness. The first way leads to death, and the second to life.

Three Things that Forgiveness is Not ...

Forgiveness is not the same thing as excusing.

If a little kid is staring at the cereal in the grocery store and runs into you, you don't need to forgive him ... you simply excuse him. He's a little kid. He's enamored by the cereal boxes. It's excusable behavior.

But when there is no good rationale to explain why someone did something to hurt you ... that is when forgiveness is required.

Forgiveness is not forgetting.

We've all heard the saying forgive and forget. That might be possible when someone cuts you off in traffic. But it is impossible to forget when someone has deeply or repeatedly hurt us.

Forgiving is precisely what is required when we cannot forget.

Forgiving is not the same thing as reconciling.

I have a good friend who has always struggled with his father. I always just assumed it was because his father abandoned him and his mother and brothers and sisters ... leaving them in a very difficult situation to fend for themselves.

It wasn't until recent years that he confided in me that for years his father had physically abused him repeatedly in a tortuous, intimidating way. Nobody else in the family knew anything about it and if they did, they never did anything about it.

My friend is an adult now and still tormented by his feelings of hatred toward his father. One day we were talking about how difficult it is for him to get on with his life and I made the radical suggestion that he forgive his father.

I'll never forget the look of anguish that came over him as he shook his head from side to side and said over and over, "no, no, no!"

My friend thought that I was saying he needed to reconcile with his father. To run back to him and spend time with the man that struck terror into his heart. That is not forgiveness. Forgiveness only requires one human being. (forgiveness waits for reconciliation in my opinion. Waits for the other party to be ready) Reconciliation requires two willing parties both broken and sincerely sorry. So what does forgiveness involve?

What forgiveness is ...

Forgiveness begins when we give up the right to get even.

This is where you need to think about your personal situation. Who is it that you want to pay? Who is it that you want to punish? Who is it that you think about and dream of all the ways their life could be as miserable as they have made yours?

My friend is tormented day and night by thoughts of his father. Somehow, he wants him to pay. I was not asking my friend to excuse his father. I was not asking my friend to forget all the horrible things his father had done to him. I was not asking him to reconcile with his father and put himself in a position where his father might try to hurt him again.

I was asking him to stop trying to get even. Vengeance by its nature is insatiable. I was inviting him to be free ...

Forgiveness involves a new way of seeing and feeling.

When we have been hurt by another person we tend to stop seeing them as a person and rather only see the hurt.

When we forgive we begin to look past the hurt and focus on the humanity of the one who hurt us. We recognize that they do not live a perfect life ... they didn't have perfect parents ... they are lonely or hurting or weak just like me. But they are also created in the image of a God who loves them.

Forgiveness progresses when you find yourself wishing the other person well.

No longer do you fantasize about the pain that you would wish upon their life. You begin to hope for good things for them. You desire the peace of God in their troubled life.

Forgiveness is the very heart beat of God. It is His invention and the only hope for His romance with the human race. When we choose to forgive, we open the door to the miraculous. God is just waiting for us to express our faith and attempt the unimaginable.

God commands us to forgive because He knows that no human beings are more miserable than the unforgiving.