ASSUMPTIONS vs. ASKING
1) We all want things to go smoothly- have no bumps in the road.
2) We all want someone to read our mind.

-If you are assuming you know what the other person will say or do, or what they are thinking…STOP!
There is no way you can read their intent. You just can’t.

We must get better at SUSPENING JUDGEMENT.
This is a counter intuitive activity.
Suspending judgment is a significant adult skill that most people never develop.

This is different that “giving them the benefit of the doubt”. That is not a good phrase to say or think, because it means that you are still guessing (i.e. giving them the opportunity to surprise you / do the opposite of what you think they’ll say or do).

What you want to do is have POSITIVE REGARD for the person. And then either 1) Suspend Judgment or 2) Ask them.

Assuming is human nature. We all like filling in the missing puzzle pieces in life. So you have to develop the counter intuitive skill of suspending judgment.

Following God is also counter intuitive.






Making Decisions
Gottman says that 70% of couples’ issues do NOT need to be resolved.
*The primary goal is understanding, not agreement.
Agreement is not necessary for intimacy.

Bring forward your own desires to the other person. Put them on the table as a gift to the other person. Be straight with them! It’s a gift.

(Hud’s example of when he wanted to get a babysitter for Friday night. He called up the young woman and asked “So what are you doing this Friday night?” when he should have just been straight and asked “Are you free to babysit for Nancy and me this Friday night.”
The girl cannot respond to the first question well if she doesn’t really know exactly what is being asked of her.)

You never want to kill another person’s dream.
You might not be able to grasp their dream, but don’t kill it for them.

(Hud has always had the dream of wanting to someday build a house/cabin in the mountains. Nancy has never killed that for him, even if she thinks it probably won’t ever happen,
she doesn’t “dream-kill”)

Find a place to dialogue- not argue, but talk.

*Play the game where each person has to state what the other person is saying. You don’t move on until the other person can reflect back the exact gist of what you just said.